Hard Hat Junction - Ken Swanstrom

Beverly Hills Montana Swimmin pools - Movie stars

Just a couple weeks ago, our Kalispell newspaper, the Daily Interlake, declared Kalispell the fastest growing city in the state!! For all of you cities and villages that want to be the fastest growing in the state of Montana …  We got this and we are the champions!

Now this is where I have to be careful - when I start getting in rant mode, for you see, this software I'm typing on belongs to the MLA - I think KL Olson had it developed and now Coleen has the IT boys tune it up regularly. (sigh)

This custom software has anti rant technology and it works. See that first paragraph I just typed, a little faded yellow warning sign came on my screen and if you keep going it turns red … Then if you ignore that it shuts down for a few hours. Well, Rich Tee told me he put black tape over the warning light and just kept going - those days are over with this latest software update!

So here we go with a story that goes hand in hand with our town being the fastest growing in the state and the new set of problems that follow.

This story I'm about to tell is 100% true. So, help me. The story takes place about two weeks after returning home to the fastest growing village in the state from the MLA anniversary meeting in Butte. I was in my humble abode, that is basically out on a county road, on a ¼ mile long lane, shared by 6 residences. With a creek on one side and pastures all around. It's the middle of the week, I’m sound asleep in my bed at around 3:30 am - right in the middle of those 3 hrs where I can really sleep. You know, that really deep good sleep. When I think I hear something. Now I have had squirrels get in through the garage and get up in the rafters and they are hoping to set up camp in the insulation. Only happened a couple times, but it has happened - those squirrels were humanely relocated sorta.

When I heard the rustling maybe one eye came open … those details are still a bit vague. I look toward the kitchen, that is ten feet away in its own room and I see the light on. Now mind you, I have gone to bed and forgot to turn it off. Then I hear more rustling noises, then both eyes are open and I may have said @#^&*&$ squirrels to myself and then swung my legs out of bed and tip-toed towards the kitchen and poked my head around the corner ….

To see a human sitting in my chair at the table eating my Ritz crackers.

If I was to do this night all over again - I would withdraw my head, because he didn't see me and I would go back ten steps to the bathroom and put on some clothes and shoes, then step back into my bedroom and grab my handy dandy flashlight and the Colt .45 off the nightstand.

Then I don't know what I would do differently?

What I did was, holler out very loud, using much bad language without a single stitch on - nada, zip, nothing. What in the (blank blank) are you doing??

He says, while still sitting in my chair with a Ritz cracker in his hand - “I'm waiting for my boys to pick me up!! “I said you don't live here so get the (blank blank) out!

I can't begin to tell you how powerless you feel totally naked. Thinking back, what if this had turned ugly? What if my drugged-up squirrel had been unhappy with me telling him to get out? Lots of what ifs.

Sadly, those what ifs are still present in my everyday life now 5 weeks later. Believe me I have run every possible scenario through my wee brain.

The dude sitting in my chair stands up and starts toward the door. He doesn't look homeless, probably 50 yrs old? Had a lime green safety T shirt on and a light jacket. Looked like he was on a construction crew? He starts for the door and opens it and the screen door and is out in the yard. I think I followed him out still in great disbelief and still not all that awake really. I may have hollered get the (blank blank) out of here and do not come back! Something like that.

The wind was really ripping that night and several of my neighbors' motion lights were going off. He walked towards the barn at the end of the lane and I sorta lost him in the night. Let’s say by now it's 3:45 am - now I am fully awake .

Like did that really just happen? Just how strong are the drugs these guys are using now? I have a nice yard light and a pickup sitting 15 feet away.

My wee moldy brain says why call the law now and wake up all my sleeping neighbors and I'm not gonna call the neighbor with the barn where I last saw my drugged-up intruder heading towards. Went back inside and put a house robe on and slippers and retrieved the .45 and a flashlight and sat there for a moment .

Then I realized (my squirrel) had been putting honey on the Ritz crackers and had made a sticky mess on the table. Since then, I've queried most of the state and found that not many leave a partial roll of Ritz and a squeeze bottle of honey on the table. Hmmm, that makes me wonder about my housekeeping?

After cleaning the honey off the table - my brain is clearing and I decide that I need to take that flashlight and really look around the shack. I find nothing thankfully, no more humans inside. He did say his boys were coming?

5:30 am rolls slowly around while I ponder life in this big city. I text my neighbor Bob, who owns the barn and has three teenage daughters living in an apartment in his shop. My text “You up Bob?” instantly I get a yes back, so I dial him up and tell him the story and the part about the dude walking towards his barn.

Ironically Bob is an ex-cop from LA - he knows how to deal with these types.

I watch Bob head out to his barn; it’s getting daylight now. I walked out to meet Bob by the barn after hearing NO gunfire. His wife comes out of the house and she is rather freaked out by all this.

My squirrel is gone, no sign. I call Kalispell police at 6am - and a nice deputy calls back minutes later. After patiently listening to my story he asks, “so Ken did you have your door locked?” To which I reply no. He says, “Ken, I have the greatest bad guy deterrent in the world sitting in my driveway (cop car) and I lock my doors! “Message received.

I got to really thinking back and I never have locked the door - sure if I'm gone outa town for a MLA meeting over the weekend. But never while gone for the day or at night. I always thought of just how awake and present I would be if this ever happened - it's just not so. I think those Hollywood movies might not be very accurate after all. Seeing what 007 can do to a bad guy that slips in his room at night is not really accurate - but then Bond usually has some form of clothing on - I think that's very important!

I'm not sure my parents' house had a door lock.

My sister who lives here in the valley just put a new front door in a couple years ago, so that they could lock it. Their old door didn't even have a lock.

Sadly now, I lock my door at night. I also bought and installed a hook latch for my screen door. When it's hot like it is now, I just have the latched screen door between myself and the squirrels roaming the countryside at night.

Now when I come home, I check the garage and the rooms, of which there are only three. But I look now. Before heading off to bed, I faithfully lock my doors, then in the bedroom I check my flashlight and touch my Colt firearm beside the bed.

Long sigh … Life in the fastest growing city in Montana. I still truly believe I wouldn't do anything different. Squirrels or squirrels on drugs - You just want them out of your house! I need to mention that the anti-rant software DID come into play writing this.

I could see the warning light flickering behind the black tape on my screen.

Maybe this new technology helps?